Transforming Difficult Conversations Using Empathy-as-a-Strategy
What you should know about moving through hard conversations, not past them.
You’ve likely experienced that moment — maybe more than once, when you’re on the receiving end of someone’s bad behavior. You may have even starred in a few Oscar-winning scenes yourself.
But, when was the last time you welcomed resolving disagreement? Looked forward to working through a culture issue at work? Felt confident amidst conflict? If you’re like most, the answer is never.
As a communication coach and language consultant, and former workplace mediator and investigator, I’ve encountered thousands of business and executive communication challenges. Over the years, my work has given me insight into the spectrum of human sincerity and tested various ways to create meaning amidst the most challenging situations.
It’s no surprise that difficult conversations rank among the most dreaded encounters. And the can have a big impact on team and business success. According to the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) 2022 Culture Report, about half of workers have witnessed inconsiderate or insensitive treatment of a coworker by a fellow coworker; and 62% of workers want to quit because of coworkers’ poor behavior. These behaviors, if left unchecked, can erode even the best of workplace cultures. And it all starts with improved communication.
Ultimately, you survive difficult conversations by moving through them, not past them. To do this, you’ll need to awaken and strengthen your empathy muscle.
First, get really good at asking excellent questions
When responding to difficult situations and behaviors, let empathy lead your communication strategy. And by empathy, I mean intentional listening through scoped learning. Let’s look to some examples:
The coworker who gossips about another coworker
If the remark isn’t something that needs to be reported to a manager or HR, but you prefer to address it head on, it’s always a good idea to take a few minutes to collect your thoughts.
Pause makes perfect.
If you think you can respectfully ask the person for two minutes of their time, identify a private space (or video conference) to talk. If they oblige, maybe they’re feeling embarrassed enough to listen… or apologize. During this conversation, let them know you overheard some remarks that you don’t think they intended for you to hear.
And remember, you‘ve done nothing wrong. In fact, by being the one to open a respectful dialogue, you have more power than you can imagine.
“I realize that we are about to begin an uncomfortable conversation, and not one you or I intended on having today. I wanted to let you know that I overheard you say XYZ.”
Remember to pause. Silence is powerful. They will likely fill the dead space with an apology or explanation. If you’re comfortable doing so, there is power in repeating the words they said— it can be a shortcut for reality testing.
Now, you have a few options to close the conversation. You can choose to:
- accept the apology;
- accept the apology and model empathy; or,
- model empathy with sincerity.
If you choose to model empathy, this could look something like:
“I’ve been embarrassed before by some things I’ve said without thinking, too. It‘s often the reminder we need to be more intentional with our words.”
The virtual meeting host who dismisses your idea in front of everyone
Nothing makes someone turn off their video — and their voice — faster than public humiliation.
Empathy is the strategy.
If this is an isolated occurrence and you feel comfortable responding to the host, gently remind them you offered an idea not a solution. By modeling empathy publicly, you’ll show you’re not married to your idea and invite ideas from others as well.
You could try responding with a leading question that redirects, like: “This was just an idea. Does it make sense to hear what others are thinking too, before we dive in and start evaluating them?”
The colleague who shares information like a leaky faucet
Withholding critical information needed for you to understand your work — like deadlines, goals, research, or feedback — is the hallmark of an amateur communicator. Often, the person may just be new to the role or unsure about some details regarding their own work.
You’ve likely heard the old adage, information is power, an idea attributed to Francis Bacon from the 16th century. Sometimes, withholding key information or news can be a form of sabotage, to prevent advancement or create an imbalance of power. Sometimes, it’s because the company or team did not have a culture of transparency before you arrived. And sometimes, it’s a sign of jealousy or unhealthy competition. The behavior may be rooted in insecurity of some kind, either the individual’s own competence or confidence, or uncertainty about the future or function of their role. Learn to identify the differences early, but be mindful not to jump to conclusions and ensure you always give team members the benefit of the doubt.
The priority is to get the information you need to do your work, without assigning blame. Taking the high road shows maturity and builds trust (especially if this hasn’t been part of the culture).
Where transparency doesn’t exist, create it.
Next time at that team meeting, go public: “I know [colleague name] has already done a bit of work on this — it would be great to see how we can apply their work to move this project forward. [Colleague name], is this something we can chat about after the meeting today?” They will most likely agree — just be sure to follow-up with a calendar invite.
The senior leader who shares personal opinions
We see this happen often on social media. Someone posts something that sets off a barrage of public comments. Internally, team members might feel uncertain about what to say, if anything.
If you feel the need to speak your mind, do it thoughtfully and with grace. First, you should focus on separating the person from the problem. You can let someone know you’re disappointed in what was said in the moment, but that you still support the mission and vision. After all, moments shall pass.
In internal team discussions, help re-set the tone to be future-focused, rather than past-referential: “We have all have likely seen and heard about on social media from [leader], and it may have caused you to see think or feel differently about things. Is there anything that we need clarity on in order to move forward today?”
The manager who says they wish they had your job, instead of their own
This can come across as belittling, and become uncomfortable. In this situation, leading with empathy means seeking to understand. Asking reflexive questions can be an effective tool for encountering this behavior because it can lead to speaker self-awareness and self-realization.
You might try asking: “What is it about my work that interests you?”
Modeling the behavior we would like to see from others is more powerful than telling others they’re wrong.
Friction creates momentum
When you’re facing hard conversations, remember that momentum needs friction. And practicing empathy-as-a-strategy can help you move through these moments with humanity and authenticity.
To inventory your learnings, start by asking yourself: How have you moved through difficult conversations in the past? What was memorable about them? Anything you would do differently?
To set a future strategy, consider: What difficult conversations are you looking forward to? What approach will you take? and Where can you take pause? Where can you redirect? Where can you practice modeling?
Alex de Aranzeta (she/her) is a coach and story consultant for the most innovative companies. She helps tech and business leaders improve their personal and executive communication, public speaking, strategy and storytelling to strengthen relationships with their products, investors, customers, and ways of working.
